Once Upon A Time...

I was texting a friend from high school this afternoon and I was telling him about how bored I was and that he should tell me an exciting story. Later in the night, he indulged me with  a thrilling story of a young peasant boy (who just happened to be ripped and highly attractive) named Ben which also happens to be my friend's name. After his story, he asked me to write him a romantic story. With the help of my roommate Amylee, I replied with this 20 page text story:

Once upon a time there was a fair maiden with stunning features named Heidi. She often dreamed of a young, single man with a nice body coming into her life, stealing her heart and holding it close to his.

One day, as she was doing cartwheels through the forest and miraculously keeping her dress from going past her knees, she noticed a helpless wounded penguin whimpering  softly in the delicately fragranced rose bush. Being a compassionate young woman who stands as a witness of God in all times, and in all things, and in all places, she knelt down to help the poor creature.

Suddenly, sharp fangs appeared out of the penguin's beak clenching down on her right arm, which happens to be her dominant arm. Heidi let out a ghastly scream of pain as the penguin dragged her through the skin shredding thorns of the aforementioned rose bush into the killer penguin's lair of death. There, Heidi laid eyes on the most frightening scene she had ever glimpsed--a colony of flesh eating penguins!!!

Flippers outstretched, the penguins squawked Heidi's name, much like zombies would do. Just then, Heidi noticed the bubbling cauldron of lava that was to be her final destination while she was being cooked to the penguins' desired tenderness. 

Heidi had nowhere to turn, the exit was blocked, but the neon green sign above the doorway seemed to laugh at her current unfortunate situation.

Suddenly, there was a distraction! A secret door opened, revealing a chunk of matter consisting of multiple masses of deliciously gorgeous cells. His body was toned from all the hard work of herding sheep through rocky terrain, and his skin was magnificently darkened from the beating rays of the hot sun. Swiftly, he drew his sword from the sheath and slashed the letter "A" into a nearby rock as five soul-piercing words came from his surprisingly soft lips: "never fear, Ammon is here." Heidi's breath caught in her chest. Could this be the man she had been longing for? Yes, yes it was.

Effortlessly, Ammon sliced the flippers from every penguin in the room. Heidi could barely contain her emotions and/or lust. Once all the penguins were destroyed, Heidi ran to give her rescuer one delectably passionate kiss, but before she reached his side, Ammon pulled a book from a secret pocket in his loincloth.

"Wait," he said, "before you come any closer, I have to tell you something. I am a missionary from The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, and I have a message for you."

Dumbfounded, Heidi allowed Ammon to lead her to the secret door from which he entered which then manifested itself as a TIME MACHINE! 

They were then transported to a baptismal font where Ammon's companion waited patiently for Ammon's return. Heidi quickly accepted the gospel and was baptized.

After that, Heidi spent the next year waiting for her beloved Ammon to return from his two years of glory when he could take her to one of the Lord's temples where they would marry for time and all eternity.

The End.

The moral of the story is: don't help wounded penguins in rose bushes.